May 07, 2009
Thank you for volunteering to house and feed one of the 17 Chinese Muslims released from our now-defunct terrorist-storage facility at Guantánamo Bay.
That you did not actually volunteer for this is a compliment to your high standing as an American citizen of the world. You have been pre-selected based on your credit scores, distance from Washington, and record of support for the previous administration. Thank you!
When your Gitmo Uighur arrives next Tuesday, he will be accompanied by two towels, a toothbrush, one pair of slippers, a PDF of Uighur dietary requirements, and a check for $100, which is just the first of 48 monthly installments.
Approved wardrobe for each of your female family members and neighbors will have arrived the previous day. Please ensure that all within line-of-sight are correctly dressed.
Federal Marshals will accompany your Uighur for two hours after his arrival. Once the paperwork is complete, the manacles will be removed.
Gitmo Uighurs are accustomed to small spaces. A cozy guest room should suffice; however, make sure you do not accidentally guide your Uighur into a closet or other space with standing room only.
All Gitmo Uighurs love Bob Newhart. The six-season DVD set is all you will need to keep your Uighur occupied on a rainy day. For some reason they especially enjoy the outtakes when Bill Daily blows his lines entering Bob's living room. Do not pause the machine during those outtakes.
Uighurs are infused with the Chinese spirit of entrepreneurship. They've been known to start up corner grocery stores, small manufacturing concerns, and jihadist cells. However, if your Uighur seems inclined to open a restaurant, carefully communicate to him certain market research that demonstrates Americans' lack of appetite for yak.
One known issue is Gitmo Uighurs' tendency to self-detonate. To avoid this, keep him away from buses, Olympic events, and Chinese government officials. If your Gitmo Uighur explodes, call our 24-hour toll-free support line.
Like all young people, Gitmo Uighurs have a fascination with video technology. Yours may request his own basement studio fitted with black curtains, along with poster board, Marks-A-Lots, and a scimitar. You may permit this, but take the demand for a sword as an opportunity to bond on a project: An excellent, camera-ready scimitar can be constructed at low cost using plywood and aluminum foil. In fact, supplying your Uighur with an actual scimitar voids his warranty.
As traditional Muslims, Gitmo Uighurs have a strong sense of propriety. You would not be embarrassed by him at a dinner party, for example, as his table manners reflect the finest of Eastern traditions. Simply ensure that all female guests and pork dishes remain covered.
Finally, do not be alarmed by exaggerated news reports of Uighur-instigated violence in Kyrgyzstan. Odds are, your fourth-grade educated Uighur can't even spell "Kyrgyzstan"! Still, take care to censor news reports before they reach your Uighur. Also, don't pop balloons.
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