Thank you for calling Supracelia Bank. I'm the artificially perky young female voice least unacceptable to the most focus groups. Please key in your 84-digit account number.

OK, I got it. I will now transfer you to another department.

Hello, I'm the perky girl's identical twin. Because I don't trust her (she stole two of my boyfriends and never, ever, asked before taking my lip liner), please key in your 84-digit account number again.

Ouch. Please re-enter your 84-digit account number. For the record, holding each button down for two seconds won't help me remember it.

Thanks! I got it. Okay, now let's go through all the menu options you don't want. You can interrupt me at anytime with your choice.

Sir, that option is not available to either of us. My sister probably would have gone for it, though.

If the option you need isn't on the menu, say "Problem customer."

Uh-huh, I thought so. For security purposes, please enter the last four digits of your Social Security number.

Great! With that, plus your Caller ID, we can identify you to all of our call centers.

While I verify that, let me remind you that you can get up-to-date account information online at www.supraceliabank.com. Let me spell that out letter-by-letter for all the Web illiterates out there.

Hold on. I still have a few more hoops to put you through before letting you talk to a real person. See how I got a reputation as a tease, while my sister just let anyone have a shot? That's why she's working the front lines, taking calls from the great unwashed. I'm the one you have to impress to get what you want.

What's that? Okay. Key in your date of birth, using two digits for the month, two digits for the day, and four digits for the year. You don't need to specify B.C. or A.D.

I got it. Now, just for fun, enter your 84-digit account number again.

That's clever. You text-messaged an anatomically impossible suggestion.

Tell you what: I'm willing to let you talk to a real person if you'll just key in your 84-digit account number one more time, plus give me your mother's maiden name. Also, if you want to place a bet on an upcoming major-league ball game, I can help you with that for a small cut.

It's been a whole minute since I reminded you that you can get up-to-date account information online at www.supraceliabank.com. As if you haven't already tried, and that's where you got this toll-free number. Nevertheless, I'll spell out the URL again, because I just like to.

Hold, please, for our next available agent. Here's 25 minutes of low-royalty music our focus group found least intolerable.

You've reached the call center for Supracelia Bank. Please call back during business hours, 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. Monday through Friday.

Posted by: Michael Rittenhouse at 07:10 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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