greetings!

I actually knew a guy who would say that upon entering a room. I was tempted to reply, "Responses!" but I knew he wouldn't get it.

apologies for the unexplained absence. A speaking engagement took me four hours outside town, which made for an all-day event, most of it spent in the car. Having not driven that far in about 18 years, I am happy to report that Detroit's seating accommodations have greatly improved. I did not have to use my day-planner for lumbar support until the seventh hour.

The Texas Department of Public Safety, however, still regards speeding as a crime against humanity. I passed no less than three black-and-whites lying in wait, and that many more who'd already scored. It's the laziest kind of law enforcement: You sit roadside pointing an expensive gadget at unsuspecting motorists until the LEDs tell you to do something. No discernment involved. The state could train primates to do that.

I blame it mostly on the feds. In 1974 they required state governors to sign a pledge attesting that a majority of their citizens were driving 55 mph or less, and the only way do that honestly was to equip state troopers with radar guns and a priority: Speeding is a mortal sin.

Troopers being troopers, this became a near-military operation, with increasingly sophisticated electronic surveillance, helicopters, and in some states, fake highway maintenance crews spying on motorists. It never got that bad in Texas, but the state police changed from being the traveler's friend to the stealthy enemy of his driving record.

Even though Newt Gingrich's Congress returned speed-limit power to the states, the troopers seem not to have gotten the word. They still obsess over their digital readouts while ignoring tailgating, failure to yield the fast lane, and its derivative, passing on the right. I think they came to regard these violations as their friends, obstacles to the high crime of 56+ mph. Those laws could also be enforced from helicopters, but without the threat of lost federal funds, that won't be explored. It's so much easier to meet one's quota sitting roadside with your finger on a button.

texas' interstates have evolved in other ways. There's a Starbucks every 200 miles now, and I know their corporate planners are depressed they didn't reach that market before the landscape swallowed the last remnants of Stuckey's. You could've gotten those buildings cheap at one point, along with the pecan log roll billboards stretching 50 miles in both directions. Now rural porn peddlers have reclaimed what the weeds haven't.

The state has also helpfully added hurricane evacuation route signs every few miles along I-45. As if any Houstonian fleeing a storm is going to try I-45 again. Last time it was F.A.R.S.S.* in the wake of Katrina that compelled every car owner south of Huntsville to fill his trunk with oatmeal bars and join his neighbors in the biggest traffic jam the world has ever seen. The smart ones checked Yahoo! Maps before departure, and they were in Kansas by noon, via back roads. Others sat idling away tankfuls of $3 gas under Sam Houston's gaze until the storm passed 80 miles to the east.

Today, as they leave each rest area, motorists are aided by signs proclaiming eisenhower interstate system. I'm not sure how this enhances their journey ("Honey, why don't we try to enjoy this road a little more, knowing a former World War II general approved its plans?"), but I trust our federal overseers to tell us exactly what we need to know, especially as we concentrate on merging into a four-lane highway.

I kid the bureaucrats. They built this fine transportation system for my use, and they only ask 18.4 cents per gallon of gas to do it. Along the way, I get to study American anthropology in the form of billboards. Who knew there was such demand for microsurgical vasectomy reversal in the rural areas? I suspect there is some connection between this and the former-Stuckey's porn emporiums they stand near, but I haven't figured it out yet.

i got home after bedtime to find everyone asleep. Brushing one's teeth seems to take three times as long after 10 p.m. I slipped into a bed full of warm family members and said my thanks. It's the weekend now. See you Monday.

* Fear of Anal Rape in a Sports Stadium, a coastal hysteria promoted by rumor agencies CNN, ABC, CBS, etc.

Posted by: Michael Rittenhouse at 05:52 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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