October 26, 2007

Male Chauffeuring Pigs

In college, one of my odd jobs was chauffeuring for a limousine-rental service.

There is an ever-present sleaze factor in the limousine business. About half my clients embarrassed me; another third I'd guess did not really have the money to rent a limo but were willing to incur the debt. Here's an example of the former.

I collected two lushes at their lakeside condo on Halloween. A couple of moderately successful guys in their late 20s, they were already half in the bag and wanted to go clubbing. (It was too late to advise them it's a poor investment, renting a limousine to pick up girls. First off, they can't see your vehicle from inside the bar, and when you tell them about it, they think you're lying or cheesy. Second, any girls likely to go somewhere with you because you rented a limo, you don't want.) As usual in these cases, most of the hourly fee that night went for me to park outside.

At the first nightclub, they told some drunk woman about the car, and she came out by herself to see. When I stopped her from using the $1/minute car phone inside, she berated me. One of the guys finally showed up and told her to get lost.

Three dance clubs later, after they'd drunk themselves stupid and failed to attract mates, they defaulted to every wasted passenger's destination: the McDonald's drive-through. I had hoped this might end well until I heard one of them demanding chicken nuggets.

That is the one food product guaranteed not to stay down in a drunk. Another poor investment.

On the highway, my ears felt the pressure drop as a window went down. In the side mirror I saw a human head emerge into the slipstream, followed by chicken nugget fragments surfing a wave of cheap liquor. I silently thanked the clown for sparing my upholstery.

We arrived at the condo with one guy asleep and the other barely functioning. I asked him to pay me; he nodded and staggered inside. Ten minutes later I found him face-down on his bed. He directed me to write a check for him, then signed it. I steered his buddy to a couch and took the check straight to the bank.

I took solace in the fact that they'd spent a lot of money on my service, and not on fines and attorneys, had they been driving themselves that night.

Posted by: Michael Rittenhouse at 05:30 AM | No Comments | Add Comment
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