No, Seriously, I Need a Drink

In Texas, we like to say "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."

In certain other states, they keep "fixing" broken things until they're hopeless. AP headline:

Utah fine-tunes complicated liquor laws.

I've had a drink in Utah. Also hiked with Samburu tribesmen in the Kenyan outback. I'm not sure which experience left me feeling more alien.

The amount of liquor allowed in the standard cocktail will increase from 1 ounce to 1.5 ounces....

This is state business?

... bar patrons' option of ordering an additional 1-ounce shot to pour in their drinks, known locally as a sidecar, is being eliminated.

Now there's a law certain to alleviate alcoholism, reunite families, restore polar-bear habitat, etc.

Customers will still be able to order shots while they have a drink on the table, but only if it is of a liquor that's not already in their drink. In other words, customers drinking a margarita couldn't order a shot of tequila, but they could take shots of vodka.

A request for Long Island Tea must send the bartenders reeling.

Lawmakers have even coined a contemptuous term for wine coolers and flavored malt beverages: "alcopops." The money quote:

"I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that these alcopops are directed to our kids. It is a gateway drug," said Rep. Mike Noel, R-Kanab.

Then they outlawed wine coolers, except at government-owned dispensaries.

frankly, if they consider alcohol a "drug," I don't know why they don't take the next logical step and require a prescription. Then the pharmaceutical companies could get in on the act, rewriting those antidepressant commercials only slightly to recommend that you talk to your doctor about Cuervotril.

Teetotalers writing liquor laws is like dogs making rules for cats. "Kitty must wear a bell. No hiding behind the couch. And no more claws."

Republican Gov. Jon Huntsman has said he wants the change so Utah won't appear so strange to the rest of the world.

Well, the state law forbidding same-liquor shots should do the trick.

If the Governor is serious, what he actually needs is one set of liquor laws for locals, and one for out-of-towners. Show your driver's license and if it's out-of-state, you can drink just as you do at home. I'd sign up for a New Orleans learner's permit just so I could take my piña colada for a walk.

BTW, if these laws are supposed to protect people from drinking too much, and if most of those in Utah have already foresworn drinking as part of their faith ... what does that say about them?

Posted by: Michael Rittenhouse at 09:19 PM | No Comments | Add Comment
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